It all makes sense when I back out far enough to what’s really going on. The big picture. The wave in the set. The set in the swell.

I could feel it coming. I knew surgery would put me into deep healing mode.  Into a  higher integration. If I am honest with myself, I can see I didn’t know how to get into this deep a healing mode – or a physical uplevel of kundalini- without surgery.  Honest. With. Myself.  I’ll get more into that in a hot minute. But first – why to chose surgery as a path to a healing awakening.

That may seem idiotic.

It is idiotic.

Yet the law of the universe, the law of karma, the law of cause and effect, is persistent at revealing idiocies and idiosyncrasies to us mere mortals.

From ancestral and cultural karma, I see my parents do this. They use medical emergencies to return to center and grow from there. My mom specializes in joint surgeries – back surgery, hip replacements, knee replacement. My dad on cancer – colon, prostrate.

My first deep awakening to kundalini – to the power of healing, the power of power, that comes from within – happened with my first knee surgery in 1996. I was 23. This surgery awoke the kundalini so strongly, such a profound irrevocable shift in my consciousness, I decided to devote my life to the healing arts. I found yoga. I found Ayurveda. I found meditation. And, I practiced. Abhyasa. Abhyasa. Abhyasa.

So, why, at 46, twenty three years later, do I manufacture a need to return to surgery to catapult my next massive awakening?

I’m writing/rehabing by the pool. The subtropical birds chirping. Flowers blooming. Gentle waves arriving on shore. Writing with my torso where your legs go and my legs where your back goes icing my knee after a pool workout. I deserted my family for my deep healing at my condo in Punta Mita. This is counterculture. To heal alone. You can read the details of why (and my surgery in Guadalahara) here. (One of my healer friends, a world-class healer, pointed out to me a few times before the  surgery that I  could fully commit to self-healing without the surgery. He saw the surgery as optional – optional if I really did the  work I needed to  do.  I told him I couldn’t pull my awareness inward enough to do the work. I needed an external impetus to confine me to the work. And it worked.)

This awakening at 46 is to heal the left side of my body. The feminine. Shakti herself.

I have a book release this week. Master of You. Releasing is allowing me to receive. I wonder who  will read the book. I wonder what languages it will be translated into. I wonder who will be called to step into action into the Master of You Course – named Awake Living.

I’ll be seeing Luz de Gracias this week. She is 77. The Light of Gratitude, as a her name translates, will be doing deep polarity healing with me. Knitting my left and right halves into the whole of heart and mind.

The world is swept up the Corona Craze right now. I’m retreating. Finding the two becoming the one. Allowing my weak side to lead my strong side. Weakness leading strength. The liminal space opens with crisis. The gateway to healing opens when a new paradigm is essential.

I’m learning the art of receiving. The dynamics of syncronicies. The ever-unfolding YES that is hidden in plain sight.

I’m finding my voice without a publisher. Without need for an audience. Without need for approval or acceptance.

I’m trusting Desire. Raw DESIRE. Unbridled desire. The one that scares people to their core. In saying YES to what I most deeply want, my world falls into a new order. And everything looks different from here. 47 is going to be interesting.