Uplevel your Relationship Agreements on the Evolutionary Path

Uplevel your Relationship Agreements on the Evolutionary Path

My friend from Idaho came to visit me in Mexico last month. She was my savior when I was transitioning my budding career from San Francisco to Idaho 14 years ago. She had done the same transition a year before.

As we were walking down the beach watching the sunrise I started talking about my Yogidetox course. Every year its different. I feel into the pulse of the conversation I want to midwife, and it flows from there. As we were talking I realized a powerful practice I had introduced with at my Yogahealer Teton Retreat was the practice of updating our Relationship Agreements.

As we were talking she asked me to explain more about updating our relationship agreements. “Basically, it goes like this,” I started. “We either have articulated or unspoken agreements in our core relationships. If the agreements are unspoken, they can quickly become outdated. If we’re operating on outdated, unspoken agreements the relationship isn’t as dynamic, inspired, evolutionary, supportive, or connective as it could/should be. When you take the time to step back, and consciously update your relationship agreements,  you redefine your life, based on your current potential.”

As we were talking, I realized this would be the perfect time to bring this conversation into the Yogidetox community.  In the course, we’ll be updating our relationship agreements. With ourselves, and with our core peeps.


How to Uplevel your Relationship Agreements on the Evolutionary Path

Start here. Make a chart. Fill in the columns with names of the core people in your life.

  • The first column is people who hold you to a level of integrity you strive for in yourself. These people expect you to be all that you can be. They don’t let you slide.
  • The middle column is people who do let you slide some of the time. They themselves don’t have clear relationship agreements.
  • The third column is for people you have outgrown. Degenerate has an interesting definition: from the late 15th century: from Latin degeneratus ‘no longer of its kind, or genus.”

relationship agreements on evolutionary path

Now that you have your chart, you may have realized a few things. You may have an overly full column or an empty column. Hopefully, your chart is weighted to the left, not the right. In any case, this is what you want to do next:

  1. Focus on the “People who bolster my potential” if you have any in this column.
    Schedule a time to talk. Let them know you Make an informal (or formal agreement) based on holding you to a level of integrity you strive for in yourself.
  2. With the Middle list, if you find yourself spending time with someone in this column, bring it up in conversation. Ask if they are interested in making an informal (or formal agreement) based on holding you to a level of integrity you strive for in yourself. Don’t expect much, but aim to be pleasantly surprised.
  3. With the third column, limit your expectations and your time. Don’t write anyone off – people can jump columns at any time, especially when you invite them to step into integrity together.

You may have a sense that this doesn’t just happen overnight. This simple tool takes time, and accountability. We’ll be working with it during the Yogidetox. You need to let yourself be influenced by those who are hitting the mark rather than those who are missing the mark. You may be a terrific inspiration to those in the sinner column.

When we're growing/shifting/evolving we want to stabilize our growth. We don't want to backslide. We need to know who is on our Champions list. We need to know where to turn for the best advice. We need to know who we want to be influenced by, because we all influence each other all the time.

I hope this helps you clarify your unspoken agreements.


Cate Stillman
[email protected]

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  • Rhonda Hill Nolan
    Posted at 11:38h, 14 April

    Nice Post Cate. Needed in this time of many social media friends. Warm regards, Rhonda

  • Antje Croton
    Posted at 04:04h, 15 April

    Cate – this is a big one. I am in a process, where I don't feel support and hang in my life "feeling" stuck. I think of an upgrate and go step by step. I think to talk is a big shift and also bringing the other person up – in the sense of being true to your self and dare the other person to step up a level. It's a challenge and also fear is coming in to loose the person or the friend. In my case it's my husband.

  • Krista Strayer
    Posted at 05:14h, 15 April

    This one really resonates Cate – I haven't put much thought about how friends and family influence my habits and behavior and where they fit in the columns. I will have to put more consciousness into this. I'm really curious though what box I fit in with others as well. Good incentive to be a positive evolutionary influence.

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